Do You Look Outside Yourself for Healing?
A significant reason for integration
I shared a short story on Instagram about a revelation around the everlasting fire this past weekend while supporting a dear sister in her fourth-year vision quest.
For those of you who don’t know, as a supporter, I was asked to sit up all night to tend the fire that never goes out for the four days and nights that the questers are up on the mountain. This is the second year I’m supporting a sister for her third and fourth years. In this tradition, there is a four-year commitment to the vision quest.
I’ve completed the first two years of a vision quest in the past, and it has been one of the most profound moments in my life. I was sitting with minimal barriers to the natural elements, not drinking water, and eating food for four days and nights. It is a journey in itself that transcends while simultaneously creating a similar effect to a plant medicine ceremony.
While at the fire this year, I reflected on how my sisters’ third and fourth years were an opportunity to reflect on my first and second years.
I want to finish my four years, and now I feel I’ve found a community I can complete that with, but that didn’t come without some understanding, observation, and a little healthy apprehension based on my past experiences with healing communities.
I got wrapped up in the offerings in one of the most significant healing communities I was a part of. It made me happy to be part of something, as one of my primary core wounds is not belonging and feeling like an outsider.
Within this previous community, I had an opportunity to belong; it felt good in the beginning. However, as time passed, I began to observe behaviors from leaders, guides, and community members that didn’t sit right with me.
I realized that many of us were searching outside of ourselves for healing. This idea is a significant catalyst for why I’ve dedicated over 7 years to the psychedelic preparation and integration field—THE IDEA OF LOOKING OUTSIDE YOURSELF FOR HEALING.
Have you ever gone to a ceremony, gathering, or doctor or looked for the quick fix or the answer outside of yourself?
I know I have. I want to return to the age-old adage that healing comes from within and from you, not from anyone else. I don’t believe it has to be a long process; it can be quick. However, I also understand that it is dependent on mindset—a topic for another time.
When we look outside ourselves, the possibility of sitting on the drama triangle increases.
Many of us who are going into transformative experiences, psychedelics, or taking extreme measures to alter our health are doing so because we’ve experienced significant trauma.
I witnessed how when there are unhealed traumas, people are set up to live out some of those traumas for healing, but this can lead to more trauma and being taken advantage of by power dynamics in healing communities.
During my second year of vision quest, I received a vision about being an integration coach, utilizing herbs as support, focusing on not always being a member of people’s immediate psychedelic community, and the importance of offering wisdom, practices, and resources to enforce the personal sovereignty of those around me who are searching for healing outside of themselves.
I almost fell into the trap of becoming a full member of a cult. Still, I didn’t fall into it entirely due to my ability to stand in my truth above all else, my dedication to herbalism, and my family lineage of independent thinkers. I remember a pivotal moment when my mom asked me, “Where are you, April? I don’t know if I see you anymore. You’re in a great threat of losing your soul.”
There is a part of me that understands I went through this to keep or usher others out of the hidden shadows of the psychedelic, healing spaces. I know that herbs held me and continue to hold me in the power of sovereignty within the greater community of Earth.
I want to support your sovereignty so that you can find healing communities that lift you in your truth rather than ask you to play out old paradigms of victimhood. This can be hard to see without the support of others outside your immediate community.
This is not to break down people or tell others what they are doing wrong, but to emphasize the step of reclamation of your power in all ways, ALWAYS.
Of course, there is more to the story, more revelations, and I share all the techniques and tools I utilize to trust myself implicitly in the new group program Gnosis.
Gnosis is a place where people come together to harness the healing energy of herbs, somatic practices, and the group dynamic to learn how to be a sovereign community member. It is a group of individuals ready to step into a brave space of authentic expression.
Journal Prompts
Where do you give your power away?
Is it to someone or something? Have no judgment; it’s okay.
Are you aware of areas of your life where you want to give away power?
How do you define personal power?
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