Coming Out of the Psychedelic Closet
Power surges through me like lightning building in the storm clouds and finds its mark on a rocky mountaintop. I reflect on the power that is steeped in the lineage of my ancestry. Stories that many can relate to, the tried-and-true ones we love so much, of a woman coming to age with hopes and dreams, being beaten down, only to learn how to rise from the ashes like the phoenix for the rest of her life to prove to the world that she is worthy of her dreams.
Those are the types of women I’m born into, both from paternal and maternal lineage. They defied the odds and are intimidating to behold, but deep down, they’re soft. Still, the world crushed the outward expression of sensitivities unless you’re in their inner circle.
I’m coming out of the psychedelic closet because of those ancestors, the ones who speak to me in meditation and share how refusing to be vulnerable harmed others and how they wished they could have the courage to communicate not only the stories of pain but the ones that made them the proudest of who they became. Tears well in my eyes as I write these lines – ancient emotions.
As the landscape outside my window echoes the fog being lifted, the realization is hitting home that for me to pursue my dreams to the fullest capacity, I must continue to move from that sensitive, soft space that my ancestors didn’t have the chance to live outwardly to all. I must become even more vulnerable and break down the shields and secrets held in my heart.
For the past 7 months, I’ve contemplated their message: “You’re not meant to struggle in this lifetime.” I know this doesn’t equate to I shouldn’t have to experience struggle, but the struggles I undoubtedly create for myself – they have no place in my life anymore. Maybe you can relate?
The central struggle I create for myself is tied to the never-ending reminder from my lineage that I must keep my mouth shut. Not all the world wants to know about what I witness. These lessons come in handy when the work needs to be done and talking about it is pointless or when you have profound experiences that others might not understand, and it’s your responsibility to process it.
I don’t know about you, but society and people who don’t want to hear about my process or understand a “crazy” journey I’ve taken reinforce the sentiment of keeping my mouth shut repeatedly in my life. This is why I advocate for knowing who is in your corner, therapy, psychedelic integration, coaching, and more.
However, in a world where living your dream means stepping out and being prepared for the haters and those who call you crazy, I begin to share with you my journey and thoughts around psychedelics because I know my truth is essential.
So, without further ado, I share my abbreviated story of psychedelics below, how I witnessed my birth, why my ancestors are so important, why it matters to you, and the offering of psychedelic integration I’ve offered for over 5 years. Trust me, there is more I’ve written before and more to come. (Links at the end of past blogs)
Akin to my ancestors in my lineage and their stories, I have a similar beginning to my psychedelic journey. I tried to follow the path laid out for me and get a good job because, “as a black woman, I need to work twice as hard and have more credentials than others to make it in the world.” My Mom set me up with only administrative jobs that were “professional” during high school and college so I could live like the “rich kids” and focus on my studies. However, she always reminded me that I wasn’t a “rich kid” and couldn’t make the same mistakes as the “rich white kids” because there was no money to get me out of trouble.
That doesn’t mean I didn’t get into my fair share of trouble, yet the college landscape differed from where I grew up. For the first time in my life, there were very few black people, international families, mixed-race beings, and an array of cultures to make me feel less of an outsider. The depression took me under.
It wasn’t my first bought of depression; it’s a friend of mine that I’ve had the honor to get close to over my lifetime, but this was the first time I didn’t have therapy, my family around me, and I lost the love of my life at that time.
Enter Psylocibin. In the second semester of my first year in college, my friend Buddha decided it was time for us to go on a journey. I insisted we go into the Appalachian Mountains, where I wouldn’t be around humans and experience the mushrooms. My world was shattered after hiking for a couple of hours. I sat in awe of the opening, watching the earth awaken in spring, and the branches of trees have women dancing through them, turning into a world and encompassing me, letting me know that they were holding me.
I left that journey in awe and with new friends because I returned to the campus and felt like I could engage with my peers and laugh. After that experience, I began to lead all my friends on journeys every quarter of the year to celebrate the changing seasons. It was magical.
However, life happened, and I graduated college, living a life that didn’t bring me joy, and I went into corporate. I heard about Ayahuasca in 2008 and decided I must learn about this “Vine of Death” since death is also a favorite study of mine.
I read this woman’s account of being in the jungle without anyone there except the shaman, in the dark, immersed in the sounds of the deep jungle, and knew that is what I wanted to experience.
Years passed, and I became a Yogi, avid tantra meditator, pranayama addict, Burning Man Fire spinner, and clinical herbalist. I quit my corporate life and traveled the world, experiencing mushroom journeys, MDMA, Ketamine, Wachuma, and Hapé.
I was steeped in the ceremony of living life true to my desires. In 2015, I was invited for the coveted life experience of going to Peru to make Ayahuasca, and I know it’s time for me to dive into her experience. My preparation for that journey created my experience; I understand this, and I’ll share that another time.
After a month and a half of being present on the land, learning from the Shipibo the arts of stitching beautiful tapestries, and being present for the cooking of the medicine, the time comes for us to try out the brew.
Mind you; I was afraid to try it because I thought I needed to be away from others in this experience. While that journey was planned, I realized this was the time for my first Ayahuasca experience. All my preparations simultaneously prepared me for what I was about to learn and didn’t. That was the case when they say that medicine shows you what you need, not what you want.
I intended to meld with the medicine and for it to teach me how to become a better herbalist for the world.
Immediately after the first honeyed, earthy, rich, thick drink of Ayahuasca, I began to feel sensations. I attempted to control them, and it wasn’t helping. I laid down on my back with my legs up, and the visions poured into me. I looked to my right, and my elder self, decked out in salt & pepper hair in a long braid, began to fan me off from my feet to my head with an Eagle feather, singing sweet songs about water. I felt the warmth of water inside my body rise from the feet to the crown immediately after I sat up and purged.
My body began vibrating at a frequency I was unable to hold, and I crumbled onto the ground. I was writhing in both ecstasy and discomfort. Shortly after, I started to see myself in the womb of my mother before I was birthed and felt the immense sadness, power, and all the world outside that I was about to come into. It felt like a tremendous calling of my purpose was being activated within all my cells inside the birthing chamber as I flipped, preparing for one of the greatest moments of my life, the portal to the outside world.
If you ask my parents about my birthing story, they’ll mention the fact it was a blizzard outside, I decided to take 23 ½ hours to arrive, and that they fought the doctors who wanted to give my Mom a C-section. My Dad was not having it; he said I could take all the time I needed to come. I’m beyond grateful for my parents’ foresight and desire to be individuals and always stand up for their truth.
Returning to my vision, I felt the culmination of the birth and the death of leaving her womb. I crest out slowly and deliberately, moving with a pace of smoothness, apprehension, strength, determination, and a softness that is hard to explain. It’s a quick process with smooth transitions and deliberate movements on my part.
The minute I was born on this journey with Ayahuasca, she imparted the most incredible wisdom I’ve ever heard from her, “You are to be my voice.” I questioned her, “How the fuck am I supposed to do that?” I want to say that I was gentle in that, but I was like wtf, I only experienced my birth, and now you’re giving me directives.
It reminded me that while I was in incubation during the journey, I felt the directives and purpose pulsating within me. The moment I came out of the womb, the directives were burst into the atmosphere, and life began.
I believe it’s important to ask questions on your psychedelic journeys, meditations, and moments of being inspired by the Muses; they want a dialogue; they don’t want you to follow mindlessly but to question their intentions and directives and formulate the path for yourself. You’re not the only one hearing the message, but you might be the one who DOES SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Ayahuasca responds, “You are to be my voice, as I stated. It aligns with your herbalist journey; you will know the steps as life continues. Trust me, I will give you the signs, and you will know what it means as you continue to take each step forward.”
It reminded me of the MLK quote, “You don’t have to see the whole staircase; just take the first step.”
At that moment, I knew that psychedelics and herbalism were my path, which I call Psychedelic Herbalism—more on that at a later date.
I know this is a long story for now, and I want to share even more about how integration became the key to being her voice. However, we have more newsletters and writings in the future for me to write.
In the meantime, here are links to blogs I’ve written about my other psychedelic experiences: